Who doesn’t love a good horse jokes? If you’ve been searching for the best collection of laughs, you’ve landed on the perfect page! From horse jokes one liners to giggle-worthy knock-knock horse jokes, we’ve got over 80 gems to tickle your funny bone. Whether you want horse jokes for kids or just need some short horse jokes for a quick laugh, this list promises plenty of laughs and good vibes. Let’s get started on some humor funny horse jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile!
Funny Horse Jokes
- A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender looks up and says, “Why the long face?” The horse thinks for a moment and replies, “I don’t think I am.” Suddenly, the horse disappears. This joke plays on Descartes’ famous statement “I think, therefore I am.” But really, it’s just putting “Descartes before the horse.” The bartender chuckles, and the horse gallops out, knocking over a few tables in confusion. - A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he’ll deliver it to to man in 1 week’s time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man’s money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says ‘Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks ‘But wasn’t anyone upset with the horse?’ The man replies
‘Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50. -
A mother and her daughter are driving pass a stallion.
A mother and her daughter are driving through the country when they pass a stallion standing on the side of the road very obviously demonstrating that he is truly a stud. The daughter sees this and asks, “Mom? What’s that hanging down from that horse?”
Mom shrugs and replies, “It’s nothing, dear.”
A week later, the daughter is riding with her father when they past the same stallion in the same condition. The daughter asks, “Dad? What’s that hanging down from that horse?”
“Why, that would be the horse’s penis,” says Dad.
“Hm, when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing.”
Dad shrugs, smiles, and replies, “I know, dear. That’s because your Mom is spoiled.” - A cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. Long They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.”Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.””No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.””Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.”So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.”Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.”
“Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.”
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”
Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.”
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.”
“Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.”
“Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.”
So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.”
Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?”
- A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’
Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’
Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’ - A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV…
He’s watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says “that looks amazing, I want to do that!”
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play guitar.” Says the horse.
“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.””There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.””Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.”Hey Chicken, come over!” he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it’s pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says “hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that.”Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” Says the chicken.”Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.””There’s just one problem,” says the chicken. “I’m a chicken.”“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something’s missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they’ve been up to. Cow thinks it’s pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play bass guitar.” Says the cow.
“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”
“There’s just one problem,” says the cow. “I’m a cow.”
“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they’re practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says “hey, you guys are pretty good! I’m from a record label, I’d like to sign you!”
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she’s all good, it’s just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he’s out of a job and he’s stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he’ll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “why the long face?”
- A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks “hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?”
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says “I don’t think I am” and promptly disappears.
You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes’ famous statement “I think, therefore I am” and I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse. - A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar.
There’s a sign next to the horse that reads: “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night.” The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in its ear. To his surprise, the horse bursts out laughing! The bartender is shocked but begrudgingly pays the man and gives him free drinks for the night.The next morning, on his way back home, he sees a new sign next to the same horse: “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.” Having been successful before, he approaches the horse again. A few moments later, he has the horse sobbing uncontrollably! The bartender is furious that the same man won both contests.After paying up and pouring beer for him, the bartender finally asks, “You have to tell me how you did it.” The man grins and replies, “Last week I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, I proved it.” - A cowboy is riding his horse through town when he sees a sign that reads: “Talking Horse for Sale.”
Intrigued, he goes to check it out. He finds an old man with a horse tied up nearby. The cowboy asks the old man if it’s true that the horse can talk. The old man nods and says, “Sure can! Just ask him anything.”So the cowboy walks up to the horse and asks, “What’s your favorite pastime?” The horse replies, “I love to race!” Surprised by the response, the cowboy continues asking questions about his life. The horse shares stories about winning races and traveling across states.Amazed by what he hears, the cowboy turns back to the old man and asks how much he wants for the horse. The old man says, “Ten dollars.”Shocked at such a low price for a talking horse, the cowboy exclaims, “Why so cheap?” The old man shrugs and replies, “Because he’s a liar! He didn’t win any races!” - A horse is sitting at home watching MTV…
He sees an incredible heavy metal music video where the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse thinks to himself, “That looks amazing! I want to do that!”So he looks up a music teacher in the phone book and calls him up. “Hi! I’d like to learn how to play guitar,” says the horse.“Sure,” replies the teacher. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”“There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.”“Not to worry,” says the teacher. “We have state-of-the-art technology that can teach horses! You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”Excitedly, the horse goes for his first lesson but soon discovers it’s not as easy as it seems. After weeks of practice with ups and downs in learning guitar techniques, he finally feels confident enough to perform.Unfortunately, as he prepares for his big break with his bandmates who are also horses, tragedy strikes when their private jet crashes into the ocean during their flight to a concert venue. Devastated by losing his friends and bandmates all at once, he decides to drown his sorrows in alcohol.So one day, feeling lost and alone after everything that happened, he walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him with concern and asks, “Why the long face?” - Two cowboys are sitting around a campfire…
One cowboy boasts about how tough he is: “You see that mountain over there? I roped me up a wild mustang on top of that mountain and rode that sucker all the way down! It was bucking and broncing all the way down!”The other cowboy nods in approval but then tells his own story: “Well I was riding my colt through a narrow canyon when suddenly a big rattlesnake fell off a cliff right onto my horse! I picked that rattlesnake up and bit its head clean off!”Impressed by these tales of toughness, they turn to their friend who has been quietly listening by stirring coals with his stick. They ask him what he’s done that’s tough.Without missing a beat or even looking up from stirring coals with his stick he replies casually: “I’m just here stirring my coals.”If you are Pig Jokes Lover check out list of 100+ Funny Pig JokesHorse Jokes One liners
- Why did the horse cross the road?
Because somebody shouted hay! - What did the horse say when it fell?
I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup! - Did you hear about the depressed horse?
He told a tale of whoa! - What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor! - What’s a horse’s favorite TV show?
Neighbours. - How do you make an appaloosa?
Shake the tree! - What do you call a scary female horse?
A nightmare! - Why did the pony cough?
Because he was a little horse (hoarse). - What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
Sherbet. - What type of computer does a horse like to eat?
A Macintosh. - Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey?
In case he takes offence. - Where do horses go when they’re sick?
The horsepital. - Why did the horse go behind the tree?
Because he wanted to change his jockeys! - What do you call a horse that likes to play hide and seek?
A neigh-sayer! - Why do horses make terrible comedians?
Because their timing is always off! - What do you call a horse that can’t stop talking?
A neigh-bor! - Why did the horse get a passport?
Because he wanted to travel abroad! - What do you get when you cross a horse with a snowman?
Frostbite! - Why did the horse go to school?
To improve his “neigh”-ture studies!Horse Jokes for Kids
- What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Stable tennis! - Why did the horse break up with his girlfriend?
She was too high maintenance! - What did the horse say when he fell down?
I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup! - Why don’t horses use smartphones?
They can’t find the right app for their hoof! - What do you call a horse that loves to dance?
A hoof-tapper! - How do horses stay in shape?
They do neigh-robics! - Why do horses make great friends?
Because they always lend an ear! - What did one horse say to the other at the racetrack?
“You bet your life on it!” - Why was the horse so good at math?
He was great at neigh-gotiating! - What do you call a horse that tells jokes?
A punny pony! - Why did the horse become an astronaut?
He wanted to see the Milky Way from above! - What’s a horse’s favorite type of music?
Neigh-sic! - How do horses communicate with each other?
They use their neigh-twork! - Why did the horse get kicked out of school?
For horsing around too much! - What do you call a horse that can play the piano?
A piano-horse! - What’s a horse’s favorite game?
Neigh-borhood watch! - Why are horses such great storytellers?
They always have a good tale to tell!Knock Knock Horse Jokes
- What do you call a well-dressed horse?
A classy steed! - How does a horse ask for food?
“Hay, can I have some?” - What do you call a lazy horse?
A slowpoke pony! - Why did the horse join the gym?
To work on his “stable” muscles! - What’s a horse’s favorite dessert?
Neigh-cream pie! - How does a horse keep track of time?
With his hoof clock! - Why did the racehorse go to therapy?
He had too many emotional baggage issues. - What do you call a horse that loves to take selfies?
A photogenic pony! - Why don’t horses play cards in the wild?
Because they are afraid of cheetahs. - How does a horse apologize?
He says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stirrup trouble!” - What’s a horse’s favorite vegetable?
Hay-ccabbage! - Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie. - What’s a horse’s favorite drink?
Neigh-juice!Humor Funny Horse Jokes
- How do horses greet each other in winter?
“Cold neigh-bor!” - Why was the horse so successful in business?
He knew how to rein in profits. - What do you call an optimistic horse?
A neigh-sayer with dreams. - How does a horse stay warm in winter?
With its neigh-borhood friends. - What did the father horse say to his son on graduation day?
“I’m so proud of you, son! You’ve really galloped ahead!” - Why did the pony get kicked out of class?
It kept horsing around. - Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital. - What’s a computer’s favorite type of horse joke?
A byte of humor. - How does a stallion flirt with a mare?
He gives her his best neigh-sayer smile.Short Horse Jokes
- What kind of horses are best for making music together?
Harmonies. - Why did the mare refuse to play cards with her friends?
She was afraid of getting dealt bad hoofs. - How does a thoroughbred stay fit during winter months?
By doing snow gallops. - What is a horse’s favorite type of poetry?
Neigh-tional anthems. - Why was the pony so good at sports trivia games?
He always knew all about horsing around in history. - Where does a racehorse go for vacation?
The beach, for some sun and sand galloping. - What’s a farmer’s favorite type of music played by horses?
Country and neigh-soul. - How does one know if their horse is lying down on the job?
It’s taking too many hay breaks. - What do you call an intelligent racehorse with glasses and books on its shelf?
A studious steed. - Where do horses like to hang out after work hours?
The stable bar for some hay cocktails. - What did one horse say to another who was feeling downcast about losing its race?
“Don’t worry, we’ll trot it out next time!”