Enjoy 64 Funny Dog Jokes That Never Get Old

Who doesn’t love a good laugh with some dog jokes? We’ve rounded up 64 of the best dog jokes that are perfect for all ages. Whether you want funny dog jokes one-liners for a quick chuckle or need dog jokes for kids to share with the little ones, this list has it all. Ready to laugh your tail off? Let’s get started with some paw-some jokes that’ll have you howling with joy!

Funny Dog Jokes

1. God created the dog and said:
   God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
   For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
   The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
   So God agreed.
   God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
   The monkey said: “Tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
   And God agreed.
   God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
   The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
   And God agreed again.
   God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
   But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
   “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
   So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
   Life has now been explained to you.
2. A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop
   As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass……… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
3. A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog
   A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on dr*gs…..”
   I said “I’m on dr*gs? you’re the one talking to dogs.”
4. Two men are walking their dogs
   Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
   They’re pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.The man with the doberman says “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.””A doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.

   “Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”

   The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

   The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

   The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

   “A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.

   “A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

5. A lost dog wanders through the jungle.
   A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: “I’m going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before.”
   The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. “Lion meat is delicious!”The lion suddenly stopped and said: “Wow, this guy is stronger than he looks, I better go while I can.”A monkey was watching this from the tree. Apparently, the monkey thought that if he told the lion, he would get something in return. Then the monkey told the lion the truth, and the lion got angry and said: “Go on my back, and I’ll take you with me.”And he began to run after the dog. When the dog saw this, he realized what had happened and began to panic even more. Then he had another idea, and he yelled: “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring another lion an hour ago!”
6. My wife was upset of Dog
   My wife was upset that the dog was considered man’s best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.
   So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
7. A guy brought his dog in a Movie theater
   A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him, “I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”

   The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. “I know, it really is weird,” he says, “because he absolutely hated the book.”

8. A couple of dog owners are arguing.
   A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
   “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
   “I know,” replied the second dog owner, “my dog told me.”
9. On the first day, God created the dog...
   God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”So God agreed.On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”

   The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”

   And God agreed.

   On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

   The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

   And God agreed again.

   On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

   But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”
   “Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
   So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

10. Englishman: “That your dog?”Englishman: “That your dog?”Welshman: “Aye”Englishman: “Mind if I speak to him?’

    Welshman: “Dog don’t talk.”

    Englishman: Hey dog, how’s it going?”

    Dog: “Doing all right.”

    Welshman: (look of shock)

    Englishman: Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the Welshman)

    Dog: “Yep.”

    Englishman: How’s he treating you?”

    Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play.”

    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Englishman: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

    Welshman: “Horse don’t talk.”

    Englishman: “Hey horse how’s it going?”

    Horse: “Cool.”

    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Englishman: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the Welshman)

    Horse: “Yep.”

    Englishman: “How’s he treating you?”

    Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather.”

    Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

    Englishman: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

    Welshman: “That sheep’s a fu*king liar!!”

11. A dog walks into a pub and takes a seat. He says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps, please?” The barman looks at him and says, “We don’t serve dogs here.” The dog replies, “Why not? I can pay!” The barman shakes his head and says, “You’re a dog!” The dog responds, “Well, every time I come in here, you call me a good boy!”
12. A man sees a sign that says “Talking Dog for Sale – £5.” Curious, he goes to the address. When he arrives, he asks the owner if the dog really talks. The owner nods and calls the dog over. The man asks the dog, “What have you done in your life?” The dog replies, “I served as a sniffer dog for airport security and later as a bomb-sniffer for the army.” Astonished, the man turns to the owner and asks why he’s selling such an amazing dog for just £5. The owner shrugs and says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
13. A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, “If your dog can talk, I’ll buy you a drink.” The man agrees and asks his dog, “What’s on top of a house?” The dog barks, “Roof!” The bartender is unimpressed and walks away. The man asks the dog what happened. The dog replies, “I should have said ‘ruth’!”
14. A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it around by its tail. Alarmed, a bartender rushes over and asks, “What are you doing?” The blind man replies, “Just looking around!”
15. Two dogs are chatting in the park. One says to the other, “I heard my owner talking about getting me neutered.” The other replies, “Oh no! That sounds serious!” The first one sighs and says, “Yeah, but I’m just trying to stay positive; they say it’ll help me focus on my career!”
16. A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he takes the next left to check it out. When he arrives at the farm, he asks the farmer if it’s true that the dog can talk. The farmer nods and points to a dog lying on the porch. The man approaches and asks the dog what he has done in life. To his amazement, the dog starts sharing stories about serving in the military as a bomb-sniffer! After hearing all this, the man turns to the farmer and asks why he’s selling such an incredible dog for only £5. The farmer shrugs and says, “Because he’s full of crap!”
    Also Check out 80+ Funny Cow Jokes

    Funny dog jokes one-liners

17. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
    Because he wanted to get a long little doggie!
18. What do you call a magician’s dog?
    A labracadabrador!
19. Why did the postman complain about my dog?
    I told him that was absurd; my dog doesn’t even have a bike!
20. What do you call a puppy that loves to play fetch?
    A retriever!
21. Why did the dog sit in the shade?
    Because he didn’t want to become a hot dog!
22. What do you call a dog magician?
    A labracadabrador!
23. Why did the puppy cry?
    Because he was having a ruff day!
24. What do you call a dog that can’t stop eating?
    A chow hound!
25. What do you call a dog that loves to play fetch?
    A retriever!
26. Why did the postman complain about my dog?
    I told him that was absurd; my dog doesn’t even have a bike!
27. What do you call a sad puppy?
    A woeful wiener!
28. Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
    Because he wanted to get a long little doggie!
29. What do you call an old dog?
    A classic canine!
30. How does a dog greet its friends?
    “Moo-ving along nicely!”

    Dog jokes for kids

31. What do dogs eat for breakfast?
    Pooched eggs!
32. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    Doesn’t matter; he won’t come anyway!
33. Why did the man bring his dog to work?
    Because he wanted to have some paw-sitive company!
34. How does a dog keep track of time?
    With its woof clock!
35. Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
    Because they have two left feet!
36. What do you call a puppy that loves math?
    A mathlete!
37. Why did the dog cross the road?
    To get to the barking lot!
38. How does a dog apologize?
    “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to stirrup trouble!”
39. What’s a dog’s favorite instrument?
    The trombone—because it has lots of bark!
40. Why did the man take his dog to school?
    Because he wanted to teach him some new tricks!
41. What do you call a barking computer?
    A labtop!
42. Why was the dog’s phone always busy?
    Because he had too many barking calls!
43. How do dogs like their eggs?
    Pooched!
44. What do you call a canine that loves classical music?
    A bark-oven!
45. Why did the puppy go to school?
    To become a pup-lic speaker!
46. How did the little puppy feel after his first day at school?
    He was feeling paw-sitive about it!
47. What kind of dogs love indulging in bubble baths?
    Shampoo-dles!
48. Why did the dachshund want to sit in the shade?
    Because it didn’t want to become a hotdog!
49. What’s a dog’s favorite city?
    New Yorkie!
50. How do dogs always know where their owners are going?
    They have collar ID!

    Dog jokes funny

51. Why did the golden retriever sit in front of the mirror with sunglasses on?
    He wanted to be a “paw-some” model!
52. What do you call an intelligent canine?
    A smart pup-eroni!
53. Why was my dog’s day so ruff?
    Because he had too many barking orders from me!
54. How does your pet know when it’s time for dinner?
    They have an internal woof clock.
55.  What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
    Hailing taxis!
56.  What’s your dog’s favorite snack at KFC?
    A barkin’ bucket!
57.  What’s your dog’s favorite game on TV?
    The Barking Dead!
58.  How does your pet feel about playing fetch all day long?
    They think it’s pawsitively exhausting!
59. What do you call a dog that loves to play hide and seek?
    A golden retriever!

    Best Dog Jokes

60. Why did the dog sit in front of the fire?
    He wanted to be a hot dog!
61. What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
    A labracadabrador!
62. Why did the dog bring a pencil to the park?
    Because he wanted to draw some attention!
63. How do you know if your dog is a good musician?
    He has perfect pitch—especially when barking at the mailman!
64. What did one dog say to the other when they finished their meal?
    “That was pawsitively delicious!”

We hope these dog jokes brought a big smile to your face! Which joke did you enjoy the most? Share your favorite in the comments below—we’d love to hear from you. If these jokes made your day a little brighter, don’t forget to share them with your friends and family. After all, laughter is best when shared!